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Crystal’s “It” List

Fig preserves
A diva fan-the one that blows your hair on stage/in videos
MagicJack-if you don’t have one, get one
Tiny Fey
Bookmarking monthly magazine contests
Johnson & Johnson’s woven dental floss with flouride
Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman…hiss!
Putting info on a USB flash drive keychain so it’s always readily available….
Raspberry ganache
Summer weddings
Orzo pasta
CraigsList “Personals” section for comic relief
Well-chilled Gerber’s Fruit Medley Dessert baby food
Buying closed-toe heels ½ size larger so I don’t sacrifice comfort for style
Losing 3 tiny screws after dropping my digital camera, getting a repair shop quote for $144 (may as well buy a new camera) & opting to buy a $1 eyeglass repair kit to handle business myself
Kenan Thompson’s “Fix It!” skit on SNL
Wonder Woman…then, now & always
Long airplane conversations with strangers & then keeping in touch
Nature’s Place organic ketchup
Jerry Stiller as Frank Castanza (“Seinfeld”) & Arthur Spooner (“The King of Queens”)
Himalayan salt
“It’s not you, it’s me.” –Yes, it is you.
Japanese bubblegum
Elle Décor Magazine
Baking from scratch
Halle Berry with shoulder-length locks…not that overly-cropped ‘do
Leopard print clothing & accessories (in moderation)
Fatburger’s chocolate shakes
Brown-black mascara vs. blackest black
Proactiv’s original 3-piece kit
Johnny Depp-an Oscar is long overdue!
Numero Uno’s deep dish pineapple pizza
Bruce Lee
Natural antiperspirant that actually works
AND MY NUMBER ONE…HILLARY CLINTON’S RESPONSE TO THAT SMART-ASS CONGOLESE UNIVERSITY STUDENT WHEN ASKED ABOUT BILL. Hill’s smart, kickass, independent & a tough-as-nails role model of a woman!

Crystal’s “Sh*t” List

Man-muscles on women
Not making eye contact during conversations (& often staring at me when I’m speaking with someone else)-you’re threatened &/or secretly dissecting the way I look but either way, you’re rude
Slutinas disguised as friends who secretly start dating the person I’m seeing & later boo hoo about how they’ve been dogged…take my leftovers, you desperate, codependent skank, PLEASE
People who split the bill equally instead of by what everyone ordered (& then give that weird look like I’m being cheap when they’re getting over). If I got a burger, why should I pay for your seafood entrée?
Women who present two clothing options, ask which one I prefer & then go with the opposite outfit…guess what? BOTH outfits are ugly, muahahaaa!
Reporters who refer to our current president as “Mr. Obama” yet refer to our former presidents as “President So & So” (the title can be kept after the term is over but you get my point)
That ridiculous “Jai Ho” song…that’s right, I hate it!
People who call me on the phone, are interrupted by someone at their home & continue talking to the other person instead of just calling me back
Cheap vitamins
Texting (especially in the left lane) while driving
People who let their cell phones keep ringing in movie theaters & act like it’s not their phone
Dr. Phil
Having a call representative ask for my account # &/or SSN after I’ve already entered it
People who are completely shocked when I decline alcohol; no, I DON’T drink liquor or wine…it doesn’t mean I’m a recovering alcoholic, it simply means I don’t drink b/c it’s nasty, a complete waste of calories & I don’t need something besides my effervescent personality to be comfortable around others, thanks.
Adults who pop their gum
Chicks who approach the clothing rack AFTER me, shove the hangers all the way down on my side & get pissed when I return the favor
Women who attempt “stare-downs” in the rear view mirrors of their cars…trust me, you’re not my type.
Katie Holmes
Parents who take young children to horror movies (I saw “Xtro” when I was four & it disturbed me for years…. I saw it again on TV last year & was still scared sh*tless)
Road cyclists who can’t keep up with traffic-start pedaling at 40 mph or get outta my lane!
Men who motion for me to take off my sunglasses in their car’s rear view mirrors
People at my table who make incessant special requests &/or nonstop service complaints at restaurants
Cops & other public service agents who leave vehicles running w/the AC on; tax payers & the environment are forced to pay for their overly wasteful convenience
Non-stick pans…they’re unhealthy!
Octomom & her oh-so-fake personality…& lips
People who don’t leave stores or make their kids shut up during temper tantrums
When a friend asks for a piece of gum & then the entire group expects a handout
Drivers who don’t turn right at the red light, use the wrong signal &/or never turn off their signal
Left-lane drivers who signal at the last millisecond; FYI: signaling doesn’t give you the right to immediately change lanes
Using both arm rests when I’m stuck in the middle seat
People who try to cut in line by pretending they don’t see it or pretending they don’t understand English-lines are global!
Panhandlers who ask specific (aka vulnerable-looking) people for money
Panhandlers with cell phones
Tiger mosquitoes
Extremely tardy people who pretend they’re almost at the meeting place & thus make everyone else late
Old pervs who start singing to get my attention or ask how I’m doing yet don’t hold the door for me
Saying “expresso” instead of “espresso”
People who feel the need to make assumptions about me when I shop (e.g. “You’re in the wrong aisle, that’s too big for you, etc.” Um, how do you know whom I’m shopping for?)
Celebrities named/nicknamed “Lola”
A**holes who tap their cigarette butts out moving cars or better yet, the sun roof
Customers with over ten items rushing in front of me in the express line while I have only one item; cashiers who allow this to happen
Customers who start shopping in line; cashiers who wait for them instead of serving the next person
Smokers who exhale in the direction of others when there’s readily available free space elsewhere
Dining establishments with pictures of happy animals at the entrance
Loud whisperers
That one annoying person who pulls apart near-closed elevator doors
People who piss on toilet seats
People who don’t stand to the right on escalators
Folks who walk through the door I’m holding for a woman with a stroller without saying anything
People who claim vegetarianism when they eat poultry &/or fish but no red meat; newsflash: birds & fish aren’t vegetables & anything that had a face is meat.
Tuning into a favorite program after having not seen it in a while…only for it to be a repeat.
The homeless man who used to wake me up clanking around the already separated cans of recyclables every Thursday at 4am for 1.5 hours
TV hosts/magazines claiming every female star is “so beautiful” when they’re obviously lying
Dragging feet in flip flops
Women who exit bathroom stalls, fix their hair & leave the bathroom without washing their hands
Said women who get angry when I exclaim I don’t want their germs
That annoying old lady who uses the painfully squeaky grocery cart
Family members who can NEVER take a decent picture with a digital friggin’ camera
The improper use of “your” & “you’re”
Men who stretch out their legs in public seats
Men who think they can inconspicuously scratch in public

Focus & effort prove that where you come from doesn’t necessarily determine where you’re going. Life has many roadblocks & detours; be strong enough to NEVER turn around.

Running hot,
Running cold,
I was running into overload,
It was extreme.

I took it so high, so low
So long, there was no where to go like a baaaaaad dream.

Somehow the wires uncrossed,
The tables were turned,
Never knew I had such a lesson to learn.

I’m feeling good from my head to my shoes,
Know where I’m going and I know what to do,
I’ve tidied up my point of view,
I’ve got a new attitude.

I’m in control,
My worries are few,
‘Cause I got love like I never knew,
ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo…
I’ve got a new attitude!

I’m wearing a new dress, a new hat,
Brand new ideas,
As a matter of fact,
I’ve changed for good.

Must have been the cool nights, new moon,
Slight change,
Or forget your love for just being like I should.